Only Real Men Sparkle
by logarhythm
Summary: What happens when you leave a hungover Ed and a tub of silver glitter together alone? Chaos and cosplay, that's what. Crack!fic: OOCness, Cullen-bashing and implied RoyEd. Enjoy.


**You have my lovely midget ginger ninja to thank for this. She fed me the inspiration cookie, and this was puked up as a result. (Beautiful imagery there, huh?) So I give partial credit to _GoddessOfFREAKS_! :3**

**WARNING:****OOCness, Cullen-bashing and implied RoyEd. Oh, and glitter. _Loooots_ of glitter.**

**Disclaimer~**

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><p><strong>Only Real Men Sparkle (Pru's Crack!fic)<strong>

Roy blinked once. Twice. Three times, his jaw slackening slightly. He gaped in bewilderment at the now-human teenager currently collapsing in a helpless fit of giggles in his office doorway. "Alphonse?" he asked slowly, as if disturbing the boy would somehow invoke a terrible power from beyond. "Why are you here?" he asked, very much confused, and very much wary. The Alphonse he knew didn't break down laughing hysterically in public. There was definitely something up.

Al waved an arm shaking with laughter in Roy's general direction in acknowledgement, as he gave up and doubled over in raucous laughter, leaning one hand against the doorframe for support. It took him a good couple of minutes before he was composed enough to even say a something that wasn't a mindless sound, and another few before words began to string themselves together into coherent sentences. "Give me... a sec... Water...!" he managed to get out through gasping breaths as he tried unsuccessfully to contain the mirth bubbling in the pit of his stomach.

Fuery decided now would be a good time to snap out of it, and he quickly darted over to the water machine, grabbing one of Roy's empty coffee cups, and filled it to the brim before hurriedly trotting over to where Al was currently on the verge of hyperventilating. "Mr. Alphonse? Here," he said hesitantly, offering the mug to a still chuckling Alphonse, now relying totally on the doorframe for support.

"Thank you, Mr. Fuery," Al said after he'd downed the proffered drink in one go, most of the giggles now out of his system. He sat down in the leather armchair Roy gestured to, nodding his head in greeting.

"So, Alphonse," Roy asked, a slight tinge of teasing in his tone, "what brings you to my humble abode today?"

Al flushed in embarrassment, though still grinning, as he retold the story of his brother's unfortunate accident that morning. "Well, you see, Mr. Mustang, it's Elysia's birthday soon, and nii-san and I were planning on throwing a party for her. You know about it, right, Mr. Mustang? Nii-san told everyone last week."

Roy nodded slowly, raising one eyebrow. Ed had made sure _everyone _knew. But that begged the question: What in _hell_ had that brat of an alchemist managed to get himself into now?

"Well, nii-san decided last night that he should make a banner for her saying 'Happy Birthday' or the like, and since she's only five, we decided that glitter was called for... But nii-san had quite a bit to drink last night, so I didn't let him stay up late to finish it in case he did something stupid. So he got up this morning and had a shower to try and wake himself up, but he didn't bother to get dressed properly or dry himself before he started to finish the banner, and he had quite the hangover, and he sort of... knocked the tub of glitter over." Al rushed the last phrase, afraid that if he said it too slowly it wouldn't come out before the next fit of giggles encompassed him.

Roy's other eyebrow raised to match the first one. For some reason, he just couldn't seem to shake the impending sense of doom hanging over him. It was almost as if there was a huge black cloud swirling around his head, ready to rain really hard and soak him to the bone. "And...?" he asked almost hesitantly.

"And," Al choked on a stifled giggle, "He got it all over himself. And how he looks like... Looks like...!" Al collapsed in high-pitched squeals of laughter once again, clutching his stomach with one arm and covering his face with the other as he somehow managed to say through the laughter, "He looks like Edward Cullen!"

There was a sudden cacophony as Al's laughter came back full-pelt, Roy's paperwork disentangled itself from his hands and launched itself at the flooring and Havoc's coffee slipped from his hand onto the wooden coffee table, smashing and splattering him with the boiling hot liquid, causing him to curse loudly words that should not be repeated in public.

All six occupants of the room (besides Al) proceeded to chorus, perfectly in sync, "_Edward Cullen?_"

Al merely nodded, his vocal chords being currently occupied with numerous shrieks of laughter.

Havoc stared, wide-eyed, at Al as he stuttered, "C-couldn't he just, I don't know, brush the glitter off or something?"

"That's the f-funny part," Al said through a pause in the laughing fits. "I told you he hadn't dried himself and dressed properly, didn't I? His shirt was off and his skin was still damp, so the glitter's stuck. It won't come off." Al fell sideways onto the arm of the chair, tears running down his cheeks from the laughter. Apparently, his brother in pain was highly amusing to him.

"I mean," Breda said slowly after a minute, "he has gold eyes and everything. And he's called Edward."

"And now he sparkles!" Al screeched again, rolling over so he was lying on his back across the arms of the black leather armchair.

"Alphonse," Roy started slowly, dragging out each syllable as if thinking about something very important. The rest of the office immediately quietened down - a thinking Roy was never a good sign.

"Y-yes, sir?" Al asked, brushing away a stray tear as he calmed down.

Roy's eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly. "Where is Fullmetal?"

"In our dorm," Al answered, an odd look on his face. He was still grinning. "Why do you want to-"

But the door was closing before Al could finish the question.

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><p><em>Knock knock.<em>

"I'm not here," a rather irritable voice answered.

Roy rolled his eyes from outside the cheap door. "I know you're in there, Fullmetal. Open the door." He rapped three times more for good measure.

"No."

Roy frowned. "That's an order."

"I don't give a fuck about your orders, bastard. I'm not fucking opening the door," Ed called from somewhere slightly further into the cramped military apartment.

Roy sighed under his breath, muttering something about idiots these days, as he quietly slipped his trademark white glove on, snapping his fingers and smirking at the flames licking hungrily at the wooden door.

There was a very satisfying shriek from inside, which only made Roy's smirk spread into a devilish grin.

Two minutes later, the door was nothing more than a clump of half-melted, red-hot metal doorknob and a heap of charcoal in front of Roy's feet. He gleefully stepped over the charcoal and through into the small, two-room dormitory. "Oh, Fullmetal?" he sang cheerily, "Where, oh, where could you be?"

He couldn't find Ed in the wardrobe, under the bed, or even behind the sofa cushions (Ed was so small you couldn't rule it out), so there was only one place left. Roy's grin grew evil as his head turned to face the lone door in the dump of an apartment.

The bathroom.

"Fullmetal?" he asked as he strolled towards the door left slightly ajar. "Don't worry, I only have one camera with me."

"I'm not here!" Ed screeched in panic from behind the door, as he found himself loudly cursing the bathroom for not having a fire escape built into the ceiling.

Roy shoved his arm through the gap in the door, pressed a button on the top of the camera and chuckled silently to himself at the yelp of surprise as the flash went off. He poked his head through. "Surprise."

Ed was standing in a fighting position in the furthest corner of the cramped bathroom, a loose shirt half pulled on in a lame attempt at covering up the glitter-showered torso. Roy could plainly see the glitter on Ed's face and arms shimmering in the little daylight entering the small window, and also the red-hot blush Ed was obviously trying his very best to suppress. "Get out of my fucking bathroom!" he yelled, before eyeing up the object held in Roy's hand. "And give me that damn camera!"  
>"Sorry, no can do." He smirked dangerously. "If you really want the camera that much," he teased, holding it up as high as his tall frame would let him (much to Ed's outrage), "you're gonna have to get it."<p>

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><p>Half an hour after his quick getaway, Roy reappeared in his office just as mysteriously. He quietly slipped through the door, humming something to himself with a rare spring in his step. "Nice weather today, isn't it, Lieutenant?"<p>

Hawkeye narrowed her eyes fractionally. "Yes, it is, sir," she said slowly. "The perfect weather for paperwork."

"Yes, quite," Roy said cheerily, before beginning to skim his pen over the numerous documents stacked up on his desk, without even a nudge from his infamous gun-wielding Lieutenant.

Said Lieutenant looked on with raised eyebrows, before sharing a suspicious glance with the rest of the room. "Sir," she started cautiously, not wanting to aggravate the man, "I hate to point this out, sir, but... you're absolutely _covered_ in glitter."

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><p><strong>Oooh, interpret that as you will *Wink wink* XD<strong>

**Now, _GoddessOfFREAKS_, please don't feed me any more inspiration cookies, or I might die of sugar overdose. XD**


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